First Tip Creating Intention:

Amateur conversationalists often sabotage their interactions by forgetting one crucial thing before you start talking to someone decide why that conversation matters, what are you trying to accomplish here, let's say for example, that you strike up a conversation with a new colleague that exchange could go on many ways : 
  • if you want to recruit them for something at work you might bring up the new project you're starting.
  • if you're going to find someone to hang out with you probably ask them what their hobbies are.
These two examples above have both used a specific intention to start a conversation.
if you don't creat a particular purpose before beginning a conversation things will go on a different way, you will ask generic questions the conversation would go on way too long simply because neither one of you knew when to stop, the discussion will seem awkward.

most of the time, the conversation will be so general that you can't decide what to talk about, you end up feeling aimless and awkward.

to solve this problem, you need to narrow down your options make a plan to decide on a specific direction when you enter any conversation, This approach gives you two essential ingredients of a good discussion a subject and a time limit.

Intention doesn't just smooth over the awkward moments; it makes people invest in a conversation with you because you're there for a reason, you can quickly start every conversation on the right foot by coming in with the intention.


Second Intention Checks:

Now you know you should create an intention, but what does a good intention look? Will anything work as long as you decide beforehand?

Not every intention produces a good conversation if you approach a new friend at a party you can't ask them to give you a job or if you strike up a conversation with your boss don't expect to find someone to go hiking.
the conversation and the context they need to line up the best intentions will consider the:

  • Environment.
  • Type of person that you're talking to.
Otherwise, you won't get them interested you'll catch them off guard so after you decide on your intention, ask yourself a few crucial questions:

  1. To who am I talking?
  2. What expectations do they have of me? 
  3. Why are they here? 
  4. What I'm saying appropriate for this situation? 
Now you might not notice how strange something sounds until you force yourself to take a step back in your head, a topic might make perfect sense, but the other person has no idea what you're thinking they aren't drawing the same connections that you are, context is all they have so use these simple checks to stop you from throwing people off.


Third Unique Questions:

Asking questions is an essential part of any lasting conversation you need them to keep things interesting to stop the conversation from running aground.

If you're someone who struggles to keep conversations going, then try to ask more questions than you answer let the spotlight shine on the other person while you direct things from behind the scenes.

The role of conversational question keeper has many advantages, first of all, you spend less time talking questions are almost always shorter than answers, so you have more time and space to think about what to say next, questions also communicate genuine interests.

Most of the time they tell the other person you're excited to know more, make sure your questions are specific and on topic for example if someone is telling you a story about how their car broke down don't randomly ask if they've ever travelled overseas your questions should show that you're interested and paying attention that way the other person feels like you care about what they have to say.

Finally, questions make you seem like a friendlier more confident person they show that you don't need the spotlight you can be attentive and enthusiastic even if you're not talking about yourself this is a pretty rare skill to have.

Many people lose interest or stop listening if they don't feel like they're the centre of attention, taking a more selfless approach to the conversation will earn you big points no matter who you're talking.

Fourth Know The Tiers:

when you first meet someone new certain subjects are off-limits it's almost like there's an unspoken hierarchy of topics 
  • On the bottom, there are super casual ones like sports or the weather.
  • On top, there are incredibly personal topics like family and health.
So how do you know which subjects are appropriate to talk about and which are crossing the line, well it helps to break the list of topics down into three separate groups:

  1. Perfect for first impressions these are subjects that everyone knows about, and few people have a personal connection to food, movies, and celebrities are great first-time topics they're safe easy and don't ruffle any feathers.
  2. The second tier is a bit riskier topics like politics romance, and the news can get people riled up they often have a very personal stake in whatever they believe so use these subjects when chatting with someone that you know. 
  3. Finally, the third tier is for the most personal subjects like religion family and insecurities you should only talk about these with close friends and way too invasive for a casual conversation it's worth saying that. 
These tears aren't all that precise cuts sometimes a casual conversation can dip into a more personal subject if that does happen be sure you're not making the other person uncomfortable, comfort matters more than staying within the proper tier


Fifth Cut The Complaints :

Let's say you aren't the biggest fan of your boss you think he's annoying, lazy, and abrasive; you can do his job way better than he does but if a co-worker walks up and asks you what you think of your boss what you should say? Should you start ranting about your deep-seated hatred? Should you brag about how much better of a leader you are?

  • ranting
  • complaining 
  • gossiping
Three of the most common conversational mistakes you might be trying to bond over a common issue or give an honest answer, but you're not doing yourself any favors, all three of these put an incredibly negative spin on the conversation. 

  1. Gossip makes people feel uncomfortable and nervous.
  2. Complaints make you look self-centered. 
  3. Rants are just plain overwhelming. 
People won't want to talk to you when you start complaining they'll start looking for a way out you don't want that so what should you do instead?

Well before someone gets to know you sometimes, you need to bend the truth using that previous example even if you do hate your boss you should still find something positive to say you don't need to make up some elaborate, show the other person that you have a right attitude so that way you seem safe and approachable.
You don't come off as a toxic person by cutting out complaints you can keep the conversation positive and fun for everyone involved.

Sixth Chaining Stories:

How do you usually end your stories? Do you wait for the other person to ask for more information?

you can effortlessly keep conversations going by ending each story with a question; this creates a smooth transition between topics while keeping you in the driver's seat.

so imagine you just finished a story about a recent camping trip you shouldn't stop talking when your story ends, it's almost like playing catch with someone, but instead of throwing the ball back you just hold on to it a question at the end of your story will pass the spotlight back to the other person, this gives them a chance to be active and invested.
it may sound like a simple change, but that one question can make all the difference.

Seventh Persistent Practice:

The best advice that anyone can give you is to have more conversations talk to more people everything on this list will help you improve in some way, but if you want to become a better conversationalist, you need experience.

People don't always react like you think they will, on paper one thing might make perfect sense yet it looks completely different in practice why well because even if small talk is pretty standardized people's personalities aren't, you never really know what someone will say or do until you're there, so you need that experience to make you a more flexible socialite.

As you slowly get a handle on how people react, you'll discover more and more opportunities to incorporate these tips into each interaction, with these under your belt you can easily hold a conversation with just about anyone.


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